A Holy and Human divorce: Letting go of two lovers.

My ex-wife and I were fighting one night in the summer of 2022. I had experienced a lot of changes in my identity as a Music Pastor for contemporary churches for 8 years. As a deeply, spiritual individual, I could hear my soul aching for years, discontent with who I was as a Christian. The orthodox beliefs of the evangelical movement sounded like nails on a chalk board to me. As I stood playing contemporary christian music on stage and leading a congregation of 500 people in worship to Jesus, I felt like a complete fraud. All the toxic positivity in worship music felt fake to me. The main question I couldn’t put down was “If God is so good, why are 99% of humanity going to hell?”

We sang songs that allowed the congregation to rejoice in their individual salvation. Lot’s of “I” statements: “I am free, I am forgiven, I am saved”. I guess that’s the different between the west and the east? We think individualistic while the east thinks communally. The thought of rejoicing in my own destiny while knowing that the vast majority of the world would experience an eternal conscious torment, led me to walk away from being a pastor all together in the summer of 2021.

I could write for ages on each problematic belief in evangelicalism but I will save that for other posts. The fact is, for me, I care way too much about humanity and justice to follow a God who would ever wish evil on humanity for eternity. I have two beautiful daughters that are 5 and 3 years old. There’s nothing my daughters could do, even murder, that would separate my love for them. I would never wish them to burn for ever, that is only something an insane, deranged person would wish on another.

Back to my ex-wife and I fighting that night. The truth is, she saw me changing. I was turning into someone she definitely did not marry. Our foundation was the Church, our love for Jesus which we committed our lives to in our early 20s. But now, I could never step foot in a church without feeling this immense resentment and injustice. I admit, I need therapy and have received therapy for this loss of community and loss of identity. I imagine it will be one I will wrestle with for a very, very long time. When I let go of the Church, I felt like I let go of a lover. I’ve gone through the same stages of grief as if I were experiencing a divorce, which I am.

I no longer had this moral compass of evangelicalism. Everything was relative. My understanding of God completely changed. I no longer thought he was worried with my individual moments of “sin” but understood him to be more passionate about bringing justice to the “bigger” things. World hunger, genocide, women’s rights (in the church), poverty, oppression, etc.

I no longer believed in hell, I believed in universal salvation. Everyone is saved. If God is love, I certainly can’t have a better understanding of love and morals than God. I began going to a kava bar that was full of like minded individuals. Artists, lost souls, spiritually hungry and overall open to experiencing the fullness of life as if God is unconditional love. I became very accepting of people’s lifestyles now that I no longer had the evangelical lens. This led to a lot of division between my ex-wife and I. I got my medical marijuana card and began using and it had progressively gotten to a place where I was using every 15 minutes or so.

I now realize I used marijuana to numb the loss of my identity during the process of losing my religion. I felt rebellious. I have never enjoyed being controlled and now that I believed in universal salvation, who cares what I do. I realize that the principles of Jesus’ teaches still apply to my life despite universal salvation as your understanding. There are things in life that lead to fruit. There are things in life that steal, kill and destroy you. For me, marijuana stole my ability to have dreams, desires and be present in every moment. I was obsessed with escaping that I no longer even enjoyed marijuana.

My ex-wife was looking me in the eyes that night and expressing her concern for my marijuana use. I knew she was right but the reason for my usage was still there. I knew I was a completely different person now. I couldn’t stand the thought of continuing to let her down in not being the Christian man I once was. I truly felt, I would and will never turn back again. It will never make sense to me.

I began to weep, uncontrollably for hours. I knew my marriage was over. I couldn’t shake the feeling. I never would have imagine my dream life would end. I imagined the holidays, the broken home for my daughters, but I could not conitnue to live a lie. I no longer was that man. The truth of my journey was hitting me in that moment like a freight train. I knew something drastic was about to happen. A year and a half later, I asked to divorce my ex-wife.

The year and a half that ensued from the night of our fight and weeping, to the moment I asked for divorce, was full of bottling up the truth that I no longer wanted to hurt her anymore by being a different man than she married. I wanted to make it work and figured this is just what people do. They ignore their heart and souls for the sake of their kids. The truth is I no longer felt the same way I did about her and myself. I didn’t feel like she understood me. I felt like she judged me for who I was becoming. All I could see was that I was a better man as a Christian, and I HATED that man now. He was a hypocrite. He manipulated every interaction with humanity by seeking conversion to Christianity. He thought he was morally better than everyone else.

Today, I realize I, and all of humanity, do NOT have all the answers. I never want to pretend again like I do have all the answers. My stories are honest, earnest and transparent. I love conversations about the hardest questions of the world and religion, but I enjoy them all the while having respect for one another.

Stay humble. Stay true. Be sincere.